Who am I really?

Sometimes I am so fake, I disgust myself sometimes. I may smile at you, but that doesn’t mean I like you. I say okay I’ll be more than happy to do it, but I really just want to strangle you with the telephone cord.

Too many a times, I have said “yes”, “sorry”, “you’re right”, “I’m wrong” and so on without really meaning it. And they come back to haunt me. I said them to please.

The nature of my job is not helping at all. I am in client servicing and to keep those irritating clients happy is my unfortunate job. While I enjoy the thrills of a great job done and the satisfaction of a happy customer, I really rather not smile through clenched teeth and keep saying “yes” all the time.

The customer is not always right. No no no! What are advertising agencies hired for if the marketing people already knew what they had to do in their advertisements to get the maximum response? Agencies give advice based on their expertise and experience. Marketers still think the red we used is not red enough… “make it more red” they say. If you’re in advertising you’ll be giggling at the irony. But I’m disgressing.

So who am I really? There are so many facets to a human’s personality and ability that to say I might be a “workaholic” or a “romantic” is simply too general. If I say I’m an organised person, who’s not to say I might meet a more organised person down the next corner? And then what? I feel overshadowed and then the whole insecured war inside me begins. It sucks. Every. Single. Time.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is a very politically polite/right person. That has to be the most fake kind of personality a person can have isn’t it? A complete loser. Someone painful to be even. I can’t say no, I don’t say no, I am afraid of going against the currents, I hesitate to take a step out of the society’s subtly defined comfort zones and I look forward to receiving approvals from clients, colleagues and bosses every single bloody day.

He said “I’m beautiful”. Never once have I ever said “Thank you”. Even as I type this, I find myself wanting to explain to the world that I’m NOT beautiful, that he’s just very mistaken. I am insecure. But I have to change now. I don’t mean to be arrogant, I just want to be less self-destructive. I just want to be more PR – “personally responsible” (just like what Ron said). Doing things that please me, and only me. Never mind if I call my client an idiot and we lose the account. Hahaha! Ya right Ju Ann.

I keep doing things to seek approval. From friends, family, colleagues… it’s about time I start living for myself and be who I really am… but how? My work still requires me to smile and be polite. No matter how unreasonable, irritating, ridiculous and demanding the client may be.

The demons I have to live with just to live up to being fake and popular just sucks. It’s no easy task, but realising it is step one, and doing gradual things to get to the finishing line is step two.

The poet Robert Frost once wrote:

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

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